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Thursday, July 7th, 2005
11:53 pm - so...
heard from grumpy for the first time in a few years tonight. sent him a text to ask him if he was ok... he apparently works just above one of the train stations that was hit. but he's ok... and so is sarah, one of my best friends. Not sure about the rest... they havent replied. One just never knows.

So if anyone saw the speech by Blair from the G8 summit, before he went back to the UK, the black guy behind Bush was Thabo Mbeki, the SA president, looking like a complete tit as per usual. Fucking drunken cunt. That has a nice ring to it. Pity im talking about our president.

London eh... theres over a million south africans there. and ill be there this time next year. Although whether ill get a visa is now up in the air cause if the UK implements the same strict rules as the US now has then im in shit. well, things become problematic cause i might actually have to face the real world and get a real job. Like i said... problematic.

in other, lighter news, i spent the day at the library gathering information for my thesis. My grand and important thesis on the psychology department at Rhodes University. What a fabulous topic. I couldnt have chosen something more interesting. Well, theres always masters. Like Hell theres masters...

Alright, im going to bed. Mendy is waiting, the electric blanket is waiting, its 2 degrees celcius outside, and my hair is wet. Oh, and i had a wax today. Very therapeutic.
xTx

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Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
12:19 am
That is so so so weird. That i am the lead singer of my favouite band of all time. Ali, fantastic quiz woman! and i want an Ode to Tam like you had for Shira... feeling left out...

so i got my ipod mini from eliza today. What an awesome gift. Thanks Li :) I love you! and not just for the presents.

So i think everyone who can should CALL ME ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! (the 11th of July). From the US you dial 011-27-82-480-5724. It would make me so happy.

I used to call Mark wessels on his birthday, along with Eliza and James on theirs... but Mark kinda became lost to me. Oh well. So now i try call James but he rarely answers, but eliza and i talk every day! Thats why i love her. it looks like Israel is really gonna happen. Which excites me. I hope hope hope it happens cause it'd be so cool. like ice cream.

Ok, well thats me... PLEASE CALL ON MY BIRTHDAY!

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12:18 am


Which Musical Artist Are You?

this quiz was made by Selena

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Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
11:54 am
so the word on the street is "kibbutzin". definitely. Oh ya... lets go toil the land like our forefathers and mothers. Lets go pick grapes and make wine, and milk cows, and do other people's laundry... awesome!
I still have to write a thesis though. oh damn. too many words, too much research. Im battling. ok, so if u want to email me, write to g02l1933@campus.ru.ac.za cause i can't get into hotmail. but i suggest copying and pasting that address cause its got numbers and letters which people always get confused. The 0 is the number zero, and the l is like L for Lang... hope youcan figure it out. Anyone seen James anywhere... ever???? silly boy. Ok, well i guess thats it for now. love all of u millions

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Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
11:35 am
hey all... tis tammy here... remember me? ok, well i have a friend, called Mike, who is coming to Boston. He will be doing some camp for most of the summer, but sometime at the beginning of september, he will be venturing into Boston. If anyone wants to meet a really nice south african boy, please let me know so i can give him your details. He would love to be shown a good time, and he's a good friend of mine. thanks
tammy

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
10:54 am - Oy vey
well... spent the last 5 weeks in class every day from 9am till 12:30pm. How ridiculous. DOING STATISTICS!!!!!!!! what is stats anyway? Why do I need it? "for research purposes". IM DOING INDUSTRIAL PSYCHOLOGY! I'm going to work in an organisation and fix their problems. not do research! and if i do happen to do research, i will NEVER EVER use statistica or any other ridiculous program made for geeks and nerds. I barely know how to use MSWord. Ok, thats a lie... ive been here nearly 4 years.. i think i know how to write a decent essay. But i got the day off... so now i am in the library photocopying stats readings. why oh why has honours taken over my life. why do i have no life. boyfriend broke up with me on saturday, but it was one of those situations where i made life so unbearable for him that he's have to be the one to break it off. For god's sake, he lived in joburg, i live in grahamstown... 10 hours drive away.

so i had no date for my graduation ball.

but i asked my ex, Alex to come with me. We dated for 7 months of my final year anyway, and we're attempting to forge some sort of a friendship. Also, i know when we're drunk enough we'll have a great time.

Now i just need a dress. wish someone could send me my pretty dress that is still at the Coggeshall's house. considering i still look like im 17. Found this piece of paper from high school which tells me my body fat content and weight and all that from some health day at school.. and i still weigh the same... except now its 50kgs, not 110 pds. I truly think the US should just give in and switch to the metric system... we did it in the 60s!

reading "helter Skelter", the charles manson story. its great. Also have started watching the OC, which is still not on SA TV, so we have to get it illegally, from the net, or from other students. Have watched up to episode 13 of the first season. Feel like im falling for something VERY much like Dawson's Creek which i Hate, but i can't help the damn addiction. somebody stop me. somebody give me a life.

so now im dating a boy called Ross. He is short, but not shorter than me, got a little boy's face, nice nice body, pretty eyes... a compulsive tooth brusher like me. So maybe this will be the one to last longer than a week. But i doubt it. He's slightly closer to the Jock side of things than i am. But he's smart and a thinker. sort of. to quote from last night:

R: I hate Feminists
T: Why?
R: Because they got all the funny posters about "chicks dig it" taken off campus.
T: Ok, but maybe they were offended
R: No, they're just showing men that they truly are insecure cause men are better
T: um... ok
R: I also hate vegetarians.

I left after that.

no, just kidding. But hows that for male logic? Will i ever find someone that loves me like i love them? someone not too clingy.. someone that challenges me, someone that sometimes just wants to kiss... what do you think? Am i destined to feel like Bridget Jones my entire life?????

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
11:06 pm
I GOT A DEGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fabulous.

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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
4:33 pm
hi hi hi. Havent written for so long. Still with boyfriend of almost 6 months. Woohoo. Havent had a boyfriend for that amount of time in forever. Anyhow.... had the most incredible 21st. Its a big thing here. Had a good party, got some awesome presents. about to go to rehearsal now, in a dance piece. Pretty cool stuff. I'm looking good, i'm getting sex, I'm pretty hot right now

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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
3:55 pm
well, i'm fine. Exams in a few days. will do fine.

ANYONE PLANNING TO BE IN EUROPE NEXT YEAR, LET ME KNOW.

will be working in london for a while... then travelling. love you all... mail me
2 charles street
grahamstown
6139
south africa,

promise i'll reply.

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
1:30 pm - better
well, the nose is healing up pretty well.... mommy went out and baught me 4 new earrings for my ears which have had no rings in them for about a year. so i put in the first 3 ok (the original 3 and then my virginity one, the one i got the day after i lost it...). then i tried the one in my cartilage, all the way at the top, and fuck me did that hurt. apparently the hole had closed.

now all things considered, that piercing stopped me from sleeping on my left side for 2 months. so i was not about to let it close without a fight. no one shrinks away from my life that easily! so i took a normal earring and shoved and pushed and now i finally have the hole back. it hurts again. havent changed my nose one yet, it's still a little new.

SO i have 6 piercings. 4 in my ears, one in my belly button, and one in my nose. the next installment will probably be some bars down my arm... along my bicep. just parallel bars cause i think it looks real pretty.

otherwise, off to the bar to make more cocktails for losers till 2:30am. so exciting.

OOOH! BIG NEWS> got hypnotised last night. was HECTIC. but i remember everything, most people dont remember things. i just know that even if i didn't want to do things, i had to cause the dude was telling me to. very weird. but also cool cause you just feel so relaxed. but the last thing the guy did on me was try to get me to quit smoking. HAHAHAHA. sorry bud, not a fuck. i enjoy my smoking. very much.

so i'm very brown now, partially cause it's summer and therefore boiling hot, and partially cause i been on the sun bed. First time i saw one was when i went with ali. i never realised that your back and ass could sweat that much!!!! i use that antiseptic spray every time i go in cause hell knows who was there before me and what diseases their sweat carried.

going back to varsity soon... cant wait to move into my house with mark and jono. gonna be so much fun doing stuff together and having my best friends shit on me and having jono attempt to rape me every morning. he has decided that he and i should sleep in his room so that we can rent out my room to someone else! haha.

okies, thats it. leave lotsa comments!!!!
Tx

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Monday, January 12th, 2004
1:10 pm - owwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeech
got my nose pierced on wednesday. it looks all hardcore, but it hurts like hell. have therefore decided, i am never having a baby. or if i do, i will get hit my a truck of anasthetics, and wake up with this pretty little baby on my chest.

don't you think i will have the cutest baby ever??????

anyhow, more about my nose. it hurts. a lot. and everytime i wash my face, i forget it's there. its great. as for the reactions from everyone:

dad: what have you done to your face?
mom: you could have been a model before you did that. (for the record, no i couldn't. have been scouted twice, but always they say "you're just not tall enough." how many girls are 1.75m tall anyway?)
aunt: i'll get used to it
14 yr old cousin: cool!!!!!!
ex boyfriend: lemme squeeze that pimple and make it all better.
brother: looks like a huge silver zit.
friends: looks awesome
Best friend's mother: look up... i wanna see the inside... AAAH! disgusting

so i'll get a little one this week, to make it look better.
Mendy is away, having big fights with him. he cant understand why i am offended that he went away for 2 weeks to take drugs and i wasn't allowed to come with. fucking moron. nonetheless. working tonight, making cocktails, AGAIN. Learning how to flare this month, ie, how to spin bottles and do all the cool stuff. at least then when i go travel i'll have something i know how to do. apparently there are very few girls that can flare.

varsity starts again mid feb, but i'm going down on the 5th to get my house ready. taking my mom with so she can pay to decorate my room. she's already spent lotsa money on it. daddy took me shopping yesterday, spent about R1000 on clothes, so now i can look as cool as everyone else!!!

travelling from jan next year, so if anyone is keen to travel eastern europe, greek islands, and maybe south america, let me know. otherwise, just come visit me in south africa. I live in a really safe little town, all students, and i have a lovely floor for you to sleep on. HAHA.

bye yo
Tx

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
11:37 pm - here i sit
in the labs. for a change im not in mikes room on the computer. hmmm, sure he's actually grateful that im not abusing my "allocated computer time" that i get on his PC. well, the less time i get on the computer, the less "allocated raunchy sex time" he gets. not that we're having sex, but the likes. given up on sex. Its stupid and meaningless and its just a fucking discoursive term that people have given to "degradation".
so i write industrial psych on friday, then drive home on saturday morning for 10 days, only to return for my drama exam on the 26th. fucking 10 hours in the car each way just to be at home for a while to see mike cause thats when he's gonna be home.
Then december vac will be spent in cape town... trying to get a job at rhodes house which is an exclusive club where all the famous people go when they come to SA. did u know that leonardo dicaprio has a house on clifton beach? and that kate moss is often seen at rhodes house? guess south africa isn't so off the map.

had a huge fight with mendy the other day but its all sorted out now. i think we both care so much about each other, and get so frustrated that we cant see each other that we just find reasons to talk. I wish i lived in joburg sometimes just so i could talk to him all the time, and lie on his bed while he tickles my back and tells me about his band and his books. he's so damn smart for a boy! he challenges my mind in the most amazing ways. specially when we're gaffed off our trees... no wait, thats when he makes me laugh. so im all happy and feeling lighter than i have in a few weeks just cause i have a friend again!

in other news.... i got new sneakers! they're island style (don't know if that exists in the US and they're fantastic. they're so comfy to drive in and i just look so damn cool. cause its all about being cool. and the benjamins. heres the address... go check em out. cept i got them in a beige, brown colour and they're suade!!!

http://www.islandstyle.co.za/products/footwear/item.asp?productid=222

and i made a lot of money. well, R800 which is about $150. which is a lot here. also trying to get tickets to see Live in Cape town on the 28th. thats about it for now.

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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
12:36 pm - for james... and me... sort of...
"once divided
nothing left to subtract
some words when spoken - cant be taken back
walks on his own - with thoughts he cant help thinking
futures above
but in the past he's slow and sinking" - PJ

"I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
I'll keep taking punches till the will grows tired
I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
I wont change direction, and i won't change my mind
How much difference does it make?" -PJ

"Welcome to nowhere fast
Nothing here ever lasts
Nothing but memories
of what never was"

"Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come
And i can't help but feel attached
to the feelings i can't even match
...
and im sure you know me well, as im sure you dont
but you just can't tell
who'll you love and who you wont
dont let your life wrap up around you
dont forget to call, whenever
i'll be here just waiting for you
i'll be under your stars forever
neither here nor there just right beside you" -SP

"'Looks like i've lost my will to carry on my friend'she said, 'and you can here it in my whispered cries for love. i need your blissful touch to carry me away again..so can we run tonight, run for your desert, can we start over? It is no victory but i dont care if its wrong or right." - Live

Will put my own shit here at some point... when the anti-depressant of the day kicks in. Never thought i'd be the one on them... but i guess shit happens eh? dreamed about you last night, james. Dreamed i came back to boston and you were with audrey and when i hugged you goodbye, you didnt hug me back. I woke up crying... and i havent cried in forever because anti-depressants dont let you cry.

off to Port Alfred for the day... got my first car on monday... excitement. Time to drive far away... into the ocean and away from here. be well all.

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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
2:46 pm
the night before last, the sub-warden of my res was murdered in her room. thats right down the passage from my room. She was stabbed to death by her ex-boyfriend who she dated for about a year before breaking up with him sometime in the last few weeks. I dont know what to think. Its so messed up. the whole situation. i dont know what drives people to do these sort of things. It is the first murder on the Rhodes university campus ever. and what weird cicumstances. He tried to kill himself as well, but when they were found, he was still breathing but unconscious. Poor dude. what he has to live with for the rest of his life. but i dont know if i can really feel sorry for him. the girls in my dorm have been bawling their eyes out, but i cant really. I think its more shocking than sad to me at the moment.

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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
12:10 pm
wow has it been ages since ive written (typed?) in this thing. I think i just disappeared for a while. I am the opposite of alex. he feels the need to write about every little detail of his life, i only write when i have the time and the energy. Things here in Grahamstown are pretty mundane and usual. Just had a 2 week vacation, so i went down the garden route (for those that dont know what that is, its basically the coast of the bottom of africa, its really beautiful with lotsa forests and pretty beaches and stuff) and then to joburg for passover. spending those last 4 days with family was agony. In addition to eating a whole bunch of MASSIVE meals and gaining about 5kgs, i also got really really bored. in first year i was so excited to go back home so i could go clubbing and stuff, now when im there i just want to come back to grahamstown, the quiet university town where nothing happens, to my bar where i score money off poor students, and where some of the hottest and ugliest males on the planet seem to live.
on the guy scene, still sorta with Grumpy in England, but i called him this morning and woke him and he was all pissed off, so now im in a shit mood cause i wasted about R50 arguing with him. Theres a new dude, Bryan, in g-town who's really cool, but i dunno if he's right for me. Time will tell, but we are definitely having a jam.
Trying to save money to go see grumps in england in january, but not sure if ill get there. ok, well, bryan is done in the labs, so we going shopping now, cause i need food. I hate passover, shit food, shit family. thank g-d it ends tomorrow night. called James the other day, was awesome to talk to him, but he wished me a happy easter. Wonder if he remembers that im JEWISH not that other religion that gets a lot of yummy chocolate things that we Jewish people celebrating passover cant eat. bummer
also got an email from lara yesterday. SO happy to hear from here.
And as for the ever BENevolent Eliza, she's done a disappearing act on me. but things are chilled, cause my mates are here now. its amazing how my time in the US seems surreal and dreamlike and so far away. I dont think id go back there now even if i had the chance. well, maybe just for a few days... to go on the swings in lawrence park, to walk from my house to marks... to have dinner with the coggeshalls, to sit on eliza's porch, to have ali do my make-up... etc etc etc. and so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past....

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Sunday, January 19th, 2003
10:31 pm
just went on a blind date. my mother gave some guy my phone number about 6 months ago... and he phoned yesterday asking me if i wanted to go for coffee. so i did. i think mendy might be a bit pissed off about it. anyhow... nothing i can do... i did it as a favour to my mom. no other reason. the guy was ok... nothing special. very boring it seems, but then again, he struck me as shy and reserved, so maybe he just cant hold his own when i start talking. definitely experienced that before.

in other news... working at Cool Runnings, a Rastafarian restaurant/cocktail place as a bartender. i get WAY more tips than any of the male bartenders. and im the only female one. but its all good. missing neil is capetown quite a bit.. but nothing i can do about that. its his fault for not living in grahamstown (who can blame him?) or joburg.

mendy makes me smile.
he can put up with my shit
and gives it back
he quit smoking weed
so his mom would let him use her car
but i know its also cause i once told him i dont date drug addicts.
my hotmail folder has too much trash email.

i wish neil could express emotions. it would make life easier. but nothing more to be done.

The pearl jam song "I am mine" is so brilliant

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Monday, January 6th, 2003
12:26 pm - an update by me
this is my once in a blue moon entry. felt it was necessary
So its a new year
still havent worked out whether i beat Eliza in the "how many people did u kiss this past year?" compo.
told my mother im not going to my second cousins wedding. not necessary to my life.
got 3 seconds and a 3rd for my results for first year. which in US terms is like 3 B's and a C. Pretty solid in south african universities. its almost impossible to get a first for anything.

For those of you that dont know and keep asking, i am studying the following:
Physical theatre ie movement, dance, jumps and leaps and rolls and falls and all that funky shit.
Industrial psychology ie psychology within the workplace, motivation etc
Philosophy. thats what i got my highest grade for this year.

so looking back over 2002. I think it was definitely an average year. not brilliant, but average. I got my heart broken properly which is never a good thing, but can be an educational thing. I have an awesome job working as a bartender. so i get lotsa free drinks.

in december i went to camp again for a month. i took kids aged 15. it was great fun to sleep in tents for a month, eat crappy mass produced food, etc. then i came to cape town on the 31st. spent new years on camps bay beach, then at about 1:30am i went to this party called voyage which was fabulous.

heres a story:
used to wear a chain around my wrist with the japanese yen that mark wessels gave me on it.
also wore a chain around my neck with a star of david from israel and the ring from james on it.
the latter chain broke on camp, so i put the star of david and the ring on the chain around my wrist so as not to lose them.
that chain broke on new years... on a beach with a thousand people jumping up and down.
got everyone looking on their hands and knees sifting through the sand
only thing found: ring from James. its a sign.

so now im in cape town for the next few days. back to JHB on the 9th. then work for a month, then back to grahamstown for second year. YAY

thats all folks

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Wednesday, October 30th, 2002
9:21 am
so went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. was a tantalizing experience of note. she says i have no mental disorders as such, am just suffering from a loss. i could have told her that myself. but something good came out of my mother making me see her... got sleeping tablets.
so now maybe i will be able to sleep at night. at least till after exams. only problem is that i still cant concentrate. i cannot study at all, and i really need to. Im stressed, but becasue im stressed i cant study, which is making me more stressed. So im just fucking irritated now.

psychiatrist asked me how my libido has been in the last 2 weeks. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA what the fuck is a libido???? i know what it is, but its VERY absent at the moment. feel like ill never get it back. and while im starting to notice boys again, i cannot imagine talking to them cause id just start bawling in their faces.

psychiatrist also said this will be over soon. the first 2 weeks are supposed to be the worst, but let me tell you, its been over 2 weeks, 3 weeks tomorrow, and i still feel like shit.

watched a crap hallmark movie last night, all about a cloned kid. it was shit. but it still made me think about the morals and ethics about cloning. In this situation, the parents had lost a child, and their last chance at having another child was cloning. they took a single cell from the cornea of the dead child (the cornea's had been donated, so were still "alive"), and basically made a copy of the dead child. i understood the whole lsat chance to have a kid thing... but what about adoption and wotnot? there wasnt enough explained.

in other news... pogo's coming to visit today, meant to be doing coffee with justin price, etc etc. shit, its justin's birthday 2 days after i leave.. no present for him. its fine, cause i was in israel for my birthday, and got jack from him.

get the song "ein ani". its a hebrew song by this israeli band "shutai hanevu'ah" or in english, "The fools of prophecy". fucking kif song

so the real question at hand is why am i not studying right now when i know i should be. Im sitting around doing nothing. just "arbing".

time to do something with my life... even if it is just going out for a smoke till eliza gets back online.

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Monday, October 28th, 2002
9:05 pm
so i have no idea why eliza is ignoring me, and my emails, and why her phone is NEVER on, or she has changed numbers without telling me... or something.. and i dont know why she doesnt talk to me on AIM. Very confused. Maybe this is one of those things that I should know whats going on, but ive just lost the plot.
back home in johannesburg, cause im having a nervous breakdown. Im going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow... maybe he can give me something to make me sleep considering i actually havent slept in about a week. spend my time thinking and crying, and working (making a lot of money, but its not making me happy, let me tell you). wonder what s/he will say to me.
"Youre clinically off your rocker.... 2 fries short of a happy meal, youve missed the boat, youve lost the plot, youre cooked. You might as well have taken acid every day of your life, cause at least it would have been fun getting to this point."

and i write finals in a week. then freshman year will be over. Then a month on camp, then 2 weeks in cape town. then back to joburg to have my wosdom teeth out. then back to the box that is grahamstown.

things are shit right now.... but life's a shit deal. and i hate sex, and i hate men.. they make me want to vomit.

and eliza just started talking to me.... im excited.

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Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
11:19 pm
so finally a boy breaks my heart. and i dont know what to do with my time. Wont go into details. he's a cunt. and a prick. and an asshole. and he has destroyed me.
He is my heroin. I see him and i hate him and i wish he wasnt around, and then as soon as he is gone, I crave his mere presence. But he fucked me over. He's leaving in 5 weeks (his degree is finished), and then he goes to england in april. And he just cant deal with being in love with me for several reasons.
1) He only knows how to feel hurt and anger
2) little things that i do remind him of his history (he had a bad childhood, whatever)
those are reasons from him
oh, and he is a drug addict. what to do....
so its over, and he emotionally abused me, and all i want is to talk to eliza, and she hasnt called in forever, and no one else knows me and understands me.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS YOUR HEART???? and all i want is to be with him, but i know he is bad for me.

quote of the day, by me:
"People who wish the world would open up and swallow them should just get a shovel and start digging cause in this world, you want something done, do it yourself"

However, that said, I want the world to stop so i can get off. Grumpy said that earlier. He is going through shit, feeling suicidal, but i dont give a flying continental cause he emotionally abused me to the hugest extent, and for all i care, he can go and live in Grumpy central... his world. Ill even give him a joint to get there with.

and as much as i hate him, i know there were fucking good times. and thats what i miss, and am sad about. That is why i want him. And he wants me, but he wont let himself do that. and both of us hate sex because of that fucking bond it creates.

I think a lot about what dave said to me, about how i need to be alone, about how even when he's with someone, he is still alone. And i think he's wrong, I think we are never alone because we are always with people, the people we think about, the people who constantly fill our thoughts with their presence. And it is these people who we can never quite get away from, who do not allow us to be alone. And in this way it is sad that we can never escape, that it isnt possible to be alone... to be quite by oneself. I fear this may be the human predicament. I fear it because the more i think about it, the more i want to be alone. Not physically necessarily, but mentally. I long to think of nothing, to release the people in my head.

And everytime i see a boy, I want to vomit. And i just want someone who has been through this, who knows what its like to love someone, and not be able to have them, but know also that they are bad for them, to tell me that i will be ok one day. Because right now i am scared of myself. I am scared of the me i have become. And i want nothing more than to forget. But i also dont want to forget.

if anyone feels like a cool and expensive call, call me please, i need to hear from people, to know they are there. 011-27-82-480-5724

current mood: crushed

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